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Breaking News From Salt Lake City!

Two unofficial sources are now claiming that fifty eight Brigham Young University players have tested positive for viagra, which is now listed as a performance enhancing drug.

According to a 2006 study published in the Journal of Applied Physiology Viagra, sildenafil citrate, can enhance cardiovascular workouts when in a high altitude setting. This is because Viagra can increase oxygen transport to the blood when working out high above sea level, where oxygen levels in the air are lower.

The list of players included sophomore kicker Tristan Maldanado, the only one to respond to questions from thinkingoutsidetheranking interviewers. When asked about the incident Maldanado said that players often talked about Viagra, but none of them "knew anything about its performance enhancing ability on the football field."

In an unidentified Facebook post one player responded to the allegations by stating reasons the football team had to take Viagra that didn't involve football.

"There is alot of pressure to perform your best for the ladies. Some of us look forward to having three or four wifes down the road, and keeping sexually fit is a must if the maximum number of multiple wives is to be achieved."

Another unconfirmed reason for taking Viagra circulating the press is that the male population of BYU, not just the football players, need Viagra in order to make love to a female student body that isn't exactly attractive. According to a nation-wide poll of college students on Studentsreview.com BYU has the second least attractive girls in the nation, falling behind only Capella University.

The performance enhancing abilities help to explain why BYU, a team full of slow white guys can compete at such a high level during conference play in the mountainous region of the states but continues to lose bowl games when they travel away from the high altitude stadiums.

How the NCAA will respond to the violations is not yet known. It has been suggested by sources that the NCAA could limit the team to 15 scholarships for three years for the same time period.

1 recs  |  Comment 8 comments |

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Brilliant.

Definitely deserves a rec’d.

The Crawfish Boxes, Astros blogging at its finest.

by Evan Hochschild on Dec 5, 2009 4:29 PM MST reply actions  

I recognize this is a Utes fan-site

But bringing up religion – even in the case of parody – on SB Nation sites are what typically get you banned, rivalry or no…

Vanquish the Foe, a BYU Cougars blog at SB Nation

by sroufe on Dec 5, 2009 8:20 PM MST reply actions  

Where does he talk about...

your religion? The wives part? You guys don’t practice that anymore, remember?

Good hell, you zoobs will whine about anything and everything won’t you.

And try to lay off the little blue pill. Just try and think of someone attractive next time.

"The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance."-Socrates

by slc ranger on Dec 5, 2009 10:29 PM MST up reply actions  

LOL
“And try to lay off the little blue pill.”

I had no idea they were blue…but I’ll continue to do my best…;)

Vanquish the Foe, a BYU Cougars blog at SB Nation

by sroufe on Dec 6, 2009 2:52 PM MST up reply actions  

Yeah, I'm wiht sroufe. Polygamist humor is lame.

The joke was fine without that, so I omitted it.

Yes, I censor. :D

by JazzyUte on Dec 5, 2009 11:23 PM MST reply actions  

Thanks JU

I wasn’t attempting to censor your site but help others become aware of SBN’s policies…you can tell FP is creative and as a site contributor I’d hate to lose a member of the community for something so trivial…

Vanquish the Foe, a BYU Cougars blog at SB Nation

by sroufe on Dec 6, 2009 2:45 PM MST up reply actions  

Agreed

Religion is only an appropriate topic regarding BYU as a consequence of what they might say about it, re Austin Collie and others. Talking about religion generally, as it is often applied by the LDS in regards to their football team and over arching questions of morality and win/loss records is fair game; not as a point of making fun of the religion, but as a point of fact when discussing a relevant issue—and Max Hall made that dialogue relevant.

But it has zero place otherwise. Attacking Notre Dame for its Catholicism, SMU, TCU, BYU . . . just because of their faith is inappropriate.

Thanks Jazzy and sroufe for the point.

by MeanBobMean on Dec 8, 2009 7:44 AM MST up reply actions  

is that an honor code violation. lmao!

yes i am obsessive, obnoxious, in your face and all about covering the spread. those are my good qualities.

by wolfmanshowlforever on Dec 13, 2009 2:21 PM MST reply actions  

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