New York--Following their failed bid at the UN to gain acceptance as new nations, Utah State Univeristy and San Jose State University stumbled over a purple-clad derelict in the gutter and have taken to trying to resurrect the poor chap.
"He doesn't smell half as bad as the dairies around Cache Valley" Utah State coach Gary Anderson said.
Coach Mike MacIntyre of San Jose noted: "The natural rivalries we have with Donaldson School of Hygienics and Keiser University make this an obvious decision. You remember the kind of manpower the Kaiser fielded in 1914? All of that is recruiting territory for us now."
Coach Anderson added: "More Cowbell baby!"
San Jose President Mohammad H. Qayoumi, beaming over the new contract said "It's written on Charmin, actual Charmin!" Nearby Utah State President Stan Albrecht, handing out maps to Logan, confided: "We had that guy checked out with Homeland, he's OK, but I am not a racist, hey did you hear our new conference will now be entering into TV negotiations? I believe our network is actually named after some mountains."
Reminded that C-USA and the MWC have recently been in nogotiations to combine into one Super Conference, meaning it is possible that Utah State and SJSU would simply be walking in a circle to get home, Albrecht blinked and stuttered: "Are you f---ing s----ing me?"
Interim WAC Commissioner Gary Hurd, interviewed while manning the brownie counter at the WAC bake sale in Montpelier, Idaho scoffed and claimed: "Bishop Gorman High will be signing a contract with us any day and they have spotted UNLV two scores to enter into a home and home through 2018. That's the entire Vegas market owned by us, owned damn you, know how many homes there are in Vegas?" Asked if he was counting all homes in Vegas or just those with occupants, Hurd deftly deflected the query with a stale croissant and hid behind a mock-up of the WAC's new "Toronto to Tierra del Fuego" banner.
See the story here at ESPN.
In related news, Texas San Antonio, citing the WAC's refusal to bring Dream Act legislation to the floor for a vote, has bolted for Conference USA. USTA President Ricardo Romo noted: "These guys won the inaugural Fulmer Cup--you don't find commitment like that in the WAC". The mighty Road Runners, fresh off a succesful campaign to keep Larry Coker from talking about "All the dead hookers the NCAA still hasn't found in Miami," released a press announcement that said:
"With UAB, UTEB, SMU and UCF, we could be Boise State and our playes would still get a passing grade on spelling the conference membership!" See story here at ESPN:
Texas-San Antonio is set to join Conference USA, and UTSA officials have told regents that three other WAC members have declared their intentions to defect. Utah State and San Jose State would account for two of them, though its not clear which other of the remaining football-playing WAC teams -- Idaho, New Mexico State, Louisiana Tech, or Texas State -- would also leave the conference.
Conference USA, having long coveted a member with both a Starbucks and a Panda Express, welcomed USTA with a formal announcement reading: "We're excited to have a school that has uniforms that are slightly less ugly than the rest of our league's."
USTA coach Coker and President Romo broke into smiles when discussing the possibility of playing East Carolina on Talk Like a Pirate Day. "That was my dream at Miami" a wistful Coker later said "and now . . ." he trailed off as his eyes watered up. "When we hired Larry," Romo somberly noted, "We didn't know we would be getting a crying coach, I can tell you this for sure, it isn't just the Szchuuan at Panda Express--you know we have one of those, right? It's real, he cries."