New to the game? Well take a second to read over the 10 things you should know about college football. Learn them, use them and then pass them on to another unfortunate soul who hasn't had the treat of watching this splendid game.
10. No matter how poorly your team performs, the college football event is still untouched by anything in modern sports history. It's an excuse for college students and middle aged men wishing they were still in college to get drunk. Because as we all know, booze is to college football as Bobby is to Whitney, without it the other seems rather bland and less thrilling.
9. Coaches are gods or goats. While college football players play a vital role in your fandom, it's the head coaches that are the show. That means you're either really lucky and you have that stud coach everyone secretly wishes they had. Or you're Duke, and have a guy by the name of Ted Roof that has won only 5 games in 4 years. However coaches are like hot girlfriends, they're great when they're on your arm, but you're constantly checking over your shoulder knowing someone's looking to sweep in on your action.
8. Big stadium envy. We all have it. You see those monster stadiums on the TV and your eyes fall down to your feet as you wonder why not us? Yeah, why not us? Those people in the south have it so good as I sit here in my puny 45,000 seat stadium. You better believe college football fans are jealous of those big boys and deep down wish their stadium was just as big. But fear not, college football fans, as odds are there is a team with a stadium smaller than yours.
7. The fight song. Ok, so the lyrics are often terrible and the tune even worse, but nothing can bring a grown man to his knees and force him to wail like his school's fight song. Only in college football would it be appropriate to sing about a sexual encounter with a woman that's half bear and half cat, whatever the hell that creature is. But that's exactly what happens when over 100,000 drunken Tennessee fans celebrate a Vols touchdown.
6. The Irish. Many people hate them, but Notre Dame is college football. They always have been and always will be. That's life and the sooner it's accepted, the easier it is to move on and just deal with it. They're propped up as the golden child of this sport and because of their standing, they have more protection than a militant compound in northern Idaho. They are the New York Yankees of college football, the evil empire, the program you know will always be there because they need to be there. Really, can you imagine Saturday afternoon without NBC's coverage of Irish football?
5. The student section. The party doesn't end when the tailgate empties out for the football game. It often carries over into the stands, where an even more exciting party begins. Nothing beats cheering on your team with a bunch of sexy coeds, while staying just sober enough to not make an ass out of yourself. The student sections are some of the most intimidating aspects of college football, well that is when the students actually show up for games.
4. Sexy coeds. This shouldn't be avoided, because sexy coeds are just as important to college football as beer, tailgating and the game itself. It doesn't take a Casanova to realize mixing hot women, football and liquor together creates the perfect storm of enjoyment. Seriously, who would you rather look at during clock stoppages, the mascot or this...
3. Tradition & rivalries. College football is seeped in tradition, as teams embrace their past far beyond most any other sport. Go to Tuscaloosa and try to find something that doesn't refer to Bear Bryant in some way. Bama's love for Bear Bryant is near necrophilia level and it's acceptable, because that's what college football is all about. Every team, no matter how good or bad, has their own tradition. It could be a game played 65 years ago that no one alive today remembers, but some event during that contest left an imprint in time. Or its the rivalries that have been embraced by generations of college football fans for nearly 100 years. Texas and Oklahoma, Michigan and Ohio State and even Utah and BYU. Whatever it is, the importance of tradition in college football can rarely be matched.
2. Tailgating. Some believe that college football is actually the break between tailgating in the morning and tailgating at night. And down south, it's probably more truer than not. Tailgating is an event in and of itself and should be treated as so. It's not just about drinking and eating, it's about socializing. People from all economic classes and social backgrounds that typically don't have anything in common outside of their love of watching football, are fused together by that bond. Nothing beats a Saturday morning and afternoon drinking, eating and drinking some more.
1. The BCS sucks. It's a pox on an otherwise perfect sport. A system so corrupt that it makes some South American governments look honest. For everything college football is great at, the BCS sure does a good job at undermining it all. It's ridiculously flawed and worthy of only one fate, death. Not unlike those South American governments however, it might take a revolution to bring the system down. And that might be asking too much, since there are no signs of the BCS ending.
And there you have it, the 10 things you should know about college football. Agree with however many as you want, disagree with the list if you please. But one thing is for sure, the atmosphere of college gameday should be experienced at least once before death.