Right now the Utes are so bad they probably couldn't score with Paris Hilton (that one never gets old). Their season is so depressing that even Richard Simmons can't help but cry at the sight. In fact, that sums up Utah football right now, the really fat lady that's at a loss at what to do about her weight. Except substitute weight for suckiness and there you have it, Utah football.
So to get things working, I thought we'd bring in Richard Simmons. For he should know what to do, right? Good ol' Richard, crazy, feminine and just down right creepy. But he'll give us some words of wisdom and completely freak us out while doing it.
(very emotional) Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so proud to introduce to you our next guest (he grabs a tissue). They have had so many issues, but they never give up! Oh they are strong and they believe in themselves. Joyfully put your hands together for Utah football! (he jumps up, doing a little spastic kick and then hugging the entire football team)
What the hell?
(weeping hard) Let it out, Coach Whittingham! LET IT ALL OUT.
...
Your silence can't hide the pain. Speak to me, Kyle, speak to me good! (he grabs Whittingham's shoulder, then begins sobbing on it)
Who the hell is this?
(he's giggling) If we are going to make any progress with your troubles, you are going to have to open up. Let it flow, let it flow like the rivers of Terabithia!
How about I flow my foot up your ass?
(he flicks Whittingham's nose) Oh you! You can't fool me, I see right behind this hard exterior. You have problems and those problems must be dealt with. (he breaks down crying once more)
Are you real?
Of course, silly! Now tell me, what makes you struggle? How can we cure your struggles?
Uh, what?
It's ok, Kyle, I'm your friend. I don't want to see you pained anymore. (weeps uncontrollably)
Is this a nightmare?
Good. Let's look at that for a second. Why do you feel this is a nightmare? How can we make this season not be a nightmare? (he grabs Whittingham's hand, who quickly pulls it back)
It's...it's just I don't know what to do.
(he stands up, throwing his arms into the air) Break through! Kyle, how can you expect to succed when you don't have an idea how to succeed in the first place?
I know Richard, I know!
You can't fix your problems until you have the confidence to know you can do better! You, Kyle Whittingham, need to have confidence in yourself if people are expected to have confidence in you.
It all makes sense! (a tear)
(extremely happy) I know! I know it does, Kyle. We did it! You did it! But admission is only the first stage to our resolution! (he jumps up and down, shaking in that horrifyingly weird way)
Oh Richard, what would I ever do without you? (they embrace)
You would continue down your current path, desperate for hope, but grounded in the darkness of reality. You have shined the brightness of the sun on your personal misfortunes and if you continue admitting your faults and agreeing to change them, the sky is the limit. Oh Kyle, I am so pround. (he kicks his legs up into the air and lets out an inhumane shriek)
I owe it all to you, Richard. You changed my life. (he bawls into the palms of his hands)
Yet another success story. I am Richard Simmons and these are your stories. THANK YOU! (he waves and blows kisses to the fake audience)
The rest of Utah's football team stares on in utter disgust at the sight. Disturbing to say the least.