clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

John McCain, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton discuss Utah football

Capitalizing on the 2008 Presidential Election, I had the honor (not really) to sit down with the 3 remaining candidates (didn't happen) and discuss not politics, but Utah football. It offered (in no way) a real perspective into who may be leading the United States one day and also gave us a non-biased viewpoint of Utah football. Enjoy.

First up, we sat down with presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain.

Block U: Thank you for joining us, Senator, it's an honor. How familiar are you with Utah football?

McCain: Well, my friend, in my day, football was actually played on a gridded field. The ball also weighed about 20-pounds and our helmets were made of leather. I had the honor to play under the legendary Pop Warner during some scrimmages in my high school days, however, was not good enough to make the Naval Academy team. You know, then I went on to fight for this country, spent time in POW camp and put my life on the line for you could have the freedom to write this web log of yours on the internets, which, mind you, is deeply rooted in our effort over in Iraq...

Block U: Sen. McCain, you're veering off topic.

McCain: What? Huh? Where am I and what am I doing here?

Block U: I was asking you about Utah's football team.

McCain: Ah yes, football. My friend, in my day, football was played on...

Block U: Yeah, you already told me this.

McCain: I did? Oh. Well...uh...Utah?

Block U: Yes, Utah.

McCain: I was the best man at Ike Armstrong's fifth wedding, don't ya' know? It was great, we had the finest Swift Veal this side of Italy. After that, my first wife and me crawled into my 1943 Chrysler Windsor -- it was new -- and headed on down to LA to hear Bing Crosby and Les Brown. A concert in that day cost us only a penny, my friend. A penny! Can you believe it? A PENNY!

Block U: I did not know that, pretty impressive.

At this time, John McCain got up and wandered out of the room mumbling something about Metamucil and Matlock. Which gave us an opportunity to interview Hillary Clinton.

Block U: Senator Clinton, thank you for joining us. I tried asking Sen. McCain about Utah football, but it didn't go over too well. What are your thoughts on this year's team?

Clinton: It is fantastic being with you today, Bill and I are avid college football fans. In fact, we attended our fair share Arkansas Razorback games when we were governor. Interesting story, we were at one of those games, I believe they were playing Texas, when all of the sudden we had to run for our lives! Snipers, believe it or not, were perched in a press box of the stadium and were opening fire on us! I remember carrying both Bill and Chelsea on my back while dodging the sniper fire. We got out safe, but what a heroic moment in what has been a very stunning and fulfilling life.

Block U: Right, but this was about Utah football...I don't know what this has to do with snipers or Arkansas.

Clinton: You know, my opponents, both Sen. McCain and Obama, are not fans at 3 a.m., I am. I will be ready to be a football fan at 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon and that's because of my 35 years of college football experience. And don't we need...

Block U: Sorry to have to cut you off, Sen. Clinton, but please get back to Utah football.

Clinton: It's tough -- Sen. Clinton has now begun to tear up -- it's not easy. I couldn't be a football fan if I didn't passionately think it was the right thing to be. This is a very personal topic for me.

Block U: Well I think that about does, Sen. Clinton, thank you for your time.

Clinton: I -- more sobbing -- love college football so much. It's just hard...really...really...really....really hard.

Block U: I know...I know.

Clinton walked out of the room in tears, which only leaves Barack Obama.

Block U: Thank you, Senator, for joining us. You seem like a guy that actually enjoys sports, so maybe I'll be able to get some answers out of you. Do you think Utah can beat Michigan in its opening game?

Obama: You know, there isn't a Michigan America or a Utah America, but a United States of America. When we are divided, this country is at its worst. Which is why I strongly believe that this sport needs change. Change that unites, rather than divides. Change that gives us hope that schools like Appalachian State can compete with the Michigans of the world. Change where the fans can be proud of the sport once again. Change where people of all team colors can...

Block U: Yes, I get you, you love change. But about that Utah, Michigan game.

Obama: Yes, We Can!

Block U: Any substance, Senator? Any at all?

Obama: Change! CHANGE! It's what we seek.

Block U: Please, for the love of all that is holy, just answer the damn question. It is not that hard!

Obama: You've just got to hope, brotha! I was talking to Oprah the other day, you know she's supporting my campaign, right? Anyway, she says to me, she says, "Barack, hope! Hope that tomorrow I can get a new hit series. Hope that tomorrow I can get a cool million. Hope that tomorrow I will rule the world..."

Block U: I was hoping any of you three would actually answer the questions, but I guess that's not really possible when talking to politicians.

Obama, obviously on the Change Train, had what appeared to be a mini-meltdown, as for 3 minutes straight all he could say was change over and over again.

How 'bout that, folks? Trying to get a straight answer from a politician is like trying to take away Bronco's Slip 'n Slide, it's next to impossible. Though hopefully you enjoyed these hard-hitting questions.